Love is like a foreign language. If you don’t pick it up while you’re younger, good luck getting a hold of it later on in life. Take it from someone who’s getting rather well acquainted with that reality with each passing day.
I’ve a reputation for being a slut, and I’ve earned it. But even sluts have feelings. If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? And if you wrong us, do we not seek revenge?
Vengeance is sweet, particularly when some pint-sized homosexual who’s knee high to a piss-ant pisses us off:
“Payback’s a bitch!” As the Chinese philosopher Confucius once said, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” So often, you wind up hurting yourself just as much as the person you seek to destroy.
I’ve written before that “every time my blood boils, I somehow manage to grow a little colder on the inside.” Why can’t I be a nicer personality? Admittedly, I have my moments. But I can never seem to manage it for very long.
As luck would have it, some psychotherapist died and named as his replacement a twenty-something homo who offered this diagnosis:
Coming to terms with the harsh reality that I’ve lost the will to love is better that drifting as aimlessly as a broken arrow with false hope.
Fellatio is the homosexual’s handshake. Moments after coming across some of the best produce in one of the finer sections of New York’s “gayborhood,” I found myself on my knees. After about half-an-hour of churning, I came up for air with a mouthful of apple butter. I swallowed.
Caviar is a homosexual’s delicacy, but until recently I never sampled the goods. Perhaps the “homosexual birth control” has put my mind at ease. I digress. Point being: He enjoyed the warm, moist cave of my throat with the occasional coil of my naughty tongue, and I couldn’t get enough of his “home brew.”
PAUL “FOTIE” PHOTENHAUER WILL DRINK TO THAT.
As I mentioned in 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Penises, Fotie Photenhauer imagines semen as a gourmet ingredient. He is the author of “Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen Based Recipes,” and “Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook.” Take a look at how he went “beyond exotic fruits and rare spirits” and added a “personal touch” with this baby: The Macho Mojito.
In an interview with SF Weekly, the Bay Area homosexual rationalized “cooking with cum.” He said, “People eat all kinds of weird stuff. Eggs are the menstruation of chickens. Milk is the mammary excretion from cows. Semen is…at least it’s fresh and you know who the producer is.”
Now Photenhauer has agreed to engage Bobbing for Apples in a round of 20-Questions via e-mail. So, what would you like to ask? Send your questions to BobbingForApplesInTheBigApple@gmail.com.