Male “Apple Butter” May Mend a Broken Heart

Once again, I find myself the owner of a broken heart. Suddenly Nazareth’s “Love Hurts” takes on profound meaning as I sob into a martini glass with only the olives staring back at me.

“Love is like a cloud. It holds a lot of rain.”

For the first time in my adult life, I confided (as distinguished from expressed) to someone that I have feelings for him. He’s not available for a multitude of reasons; chief among them–he’s “involved.” We’ll leave it there.


In an attempt to drink my sorrows away, I actually had a moment of clarity–a sobering thought (if you will). Love really shouldn’t hurt. It’s wasting feelings on the wrong person that cuts like a knife.

So what’s a homosexual to do? Naturally, I’ve turned to a familiar vice: sex.

If there’s any truth to the study, semen apparently helps fight depression. According to scientists at The State University of New York, “the white stuff” has “mood-alterning chemicals…that elevate mood, increase affection, induce sleep and also contain at least three anti-depressants.”

Granted, the research is based on a survey of 293 women. But that doesn’t change the fact that a top’s load could inject into his receptive partner’s mouth “thyrotropin-releasing hormone (another antidepressant), melatonin (a sleep-inducing agent), and even serotonin (perhaps the best-known antidepressant neurotransmitter).”

I’ve previously likened a hot specimen’s “gelatinous muck” to caviar and divulged to readers that I consider it a “homosexual’s delicacy.” With seven calories per serving (assuming a teaspoon), it’s certainly diet-friendly. Who knew it might offer a cure for those moments when life’s got us down?!

An Acquired Taste for a Man-Made Ingredient

Fellatio is the homosexual’s handshake. Moments after coming across some of the best produce in one of the finer sections of New York’s “gayborhood,” I found myself on my knees. After about half-an-hour of churning, I came up for air with a mouthful of apple butter. I swallowed.

Caviar is a homosexual’s delicacy, but until recently I never sampled the goods. Perhaps the “homosexual birth control” has put my mind at ease.  I digress.  Point being:  He enjoyed the warm, moist cave of my throat with the occasional coil of my naughty tongue, and I couldn’t get enough of his “home brew.”


As I mentioned in 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Penises, Fotie Photenhauer imagines semen as a gourmet ingredient. He is the author of “Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen Based Recipes,” and “Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook.” Take a look at how he went “beyond exotic fruits and rare spirits” and added a “personal touch” with this baby: The Macho Mojito.


In an interview with SF Weekly, the Bay Area homosexual rationalized “cooking with cum.”  He said, “People eat all kinds of weird stuff.  Eggs are the menstruation of chickens.  Milk is the mammary excretion from cows.  Semen is…at least it’s fresh and you know who the producer is.”

Now Photenhauer has agreed to engage Bobbing for Apples in a round of 20-Questions via e-mail.  So, what would you like to ask?  Send your questions to

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Penises

Thanks to Seinfeld, we’re all familiar with the unfortunate side effect a dip in the pool can have on a man’s penis.  The cold water causes it shrivel up like a frightened turtle.  But did you know lighting up after that sweet roll in the hay may have a similar, perhaps more permanent result?  According to U.K.-based TCM Healthcare, which just released an infographic about the male appendage (arguably a homosexual’s favorite part), smoking may shrink your penis by up to one centimeter.

Apparently, the male orgasm lasts only six seconds (or thereabouts) and a teaspoon of the white stuff contains seven calories per serving.  That’s good to know, particularly if dick sauce is a part of your daily diet.  More on that in a later blog post, but in the meantime, check out this “personal touch” on a cocktail:


I digress.

The infographic below is loaded with more odd facts.  Some of it may be hard to swallow (imagine trying to get the biggest penis down your throat), but it’s interesting nonetheless.