Presidents’ Day: A Rainbow of Homosexual Activity in the Oval Office

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If the walls in the Oval Office could talk, they might tell you “Honest Abe” shared his bed with a man for four-years or that James Buchanan had a gay love affair with a slave owner. Leave it to text book writers to omit all the juicy details that might have kept you up (or standing at attention, if you will) in history class.

I digress.

Gay rumors in history are nothing new, but it’s always fun to speculate about the same-sex love affairs of our nation’s fine presidents. Historians have long hinted that the 16th president of the United States was a homosexual. They point out his rocky marriage to Mary Todd Lincoln.

It’s also well-established that James Buchanan was apparently our “first [closeted] gay president.” According to one post, the 15th president of the United States was discovered “lying nude in a guest room with… a massive strongman [from] a traveling carnival. Both men were in a state of tumescence (another word for engorged), and James was busy with his mouth on the manhood of the vulgar and sweaty behemoth.” Reports also suggest he lived with “a senator from Alabama whom Andrew Jackson dubbed ‘Miss Nancy,’ and the pair were allegedly lovers.”

U.S. News and World Reports featured an article about Richard Nixon, “the dark, homophobic two-term president doomed by the 1972 Watergate break-in” after a former White House reporter started circulating rumors that he was gay. In “Nixon’s Darkest Secrets,” Don Fulsom suggests Nixon had a relationship of a “homosexual nature” with the president’s alleged mob bagman.

Even first ladies can’t dodge the rumors. According to the author of “To Believe in Women,” Eleanor Roosevelt shared intimate love letters with a female journalist.

But all this talk is cheap. It doesn’t actually place a homosexual president in the White House (at least not in any terms that would mark a significant accomplishment in the gay rights movement). That said, we seem to be charting a course. In 2008, President Obama became the first African-American elected to the position. We may soon see a female president (dare I say, Hillary Clinton?!). It’s anyone’s guess when we’ll see an openly gay candidate run for office.

Follow Up: Royal Chocolate Heiney Takes a Bow to America’s Bootylicous Chocolate

A Bobbing for Apples in the Big Apple reader who wishes to remain anonymous called me out (rightfully so) for devoting a full blog entry entirely to UK-based Edible Anus whilst overlooking America’s version of the chocolate heiney.

What sets Chocolate Anus rather apart is the company “has teamed up with several non-profits to help educate the public about various causes from Colon Cancer to Animal Awareness.” That’s according to its website. Chocolate Anus likes to think it’s making the world smile one chocolate anus at a time. It sources its chocolate from a provider that “prides itself on sustainable practices, protecting the environment and the family farm,” and is also Rainforest Alliance and Fair Trade Certified. Best of all (as my anonymous tipper points out), the chocolate a-holes are made right here in the USA. Sounds pretty Bootylicious, eh?

If you order right after you read this post (no later than Wednesday, February 11th), Chocolate Anus will deliver your package in time for Valentine’s Day. It’s also offering a discount. Get ten-percent off with promo code VDAY10. As of this posting, Chocolate Anus’s “brothers overseas” can no longer match that offer.

Bobbing for Apples in the Big Apple naturally supports charitable initiatives and recently announced a fundraiser to support efforts in the same spirit Chocolate Anus donates to causes close to its subject matter. Click here to learn more and donate.

Valentine’s Day Gift Idea That’s Anything Butt Half-Assed

A London artist’s spin on chocolate is giving new meaning to one of my favorite lines: “Lick my chapped ass!” It’s also providing a rather “out of the box” gift idea that’s anything butt (pun intended) half-assed. See for yourself:

Move over Incredible Edible Egg! This is the Incredible Edible Anus!

The Edible Anus comes in meek milk, dilated dark and tight white Belgian chocolate.

Who comes up with this shit?

Magnus Irvin is the brainchild behind the Edible Anus. Made from pure Belgian chocolate, it seems like nothing more than a chocolate butthole! Edible Anus puts it a little more seductively, describing the nougat as, “rings of succulent chocolate cast and crafted from the posterior of our stunning butt model.”

Puts ideas in a bottom’s head, doesn’t it? I mean, what’s more personal than giving the top(s) in your life (clearly, I don’t judge) a little piece of your derriere for Valentine’s Day? Hmm?! They’ll melt in his mouth like you do in his arms right before he sticks it to you. If nothing else, perhaps it’ll serve as a friendly reminder that… well, I’ll let the DJ in my head finish my thought:

I digress. I can’t help but wonder what all this means for Papa Smurf though.

Again, I digress.

Apparently Irvin picked up Edible Anus’s so-called “butt model” (or as I would much rather prefer, “buttocks model”) much like queens sample the fresh fruit in the produce aisle. She’s some random he plucked off the street, specifically at a bus stop. That’s after a failed attempt when Irvin tried casting his own ass with rather “messy and disastrous results.”

Now, if that puts a bad taste in your mouth, Edible Anus can also immortalize your anus in solid bronze. You’d better start shitting gold though. It costs $1900.00.

Enter Apple TV Giveaway: Bobbing for Apples Goes Bobbing for Donations

Bobbing for Apples in the Big Apple is going bobbing for donations to support LGBT and New York City-oriented charities in 2015. Since its soft launch two days ago on the crowd-funding site Fundly, the campaign has raised $69 <insert inappropriate comment here> from a handful of people <insert yet another inappropriate comment here>.

Courtesy: http://simpsonswiki.com/

The goal is to start a significant fund in a month’s time. As an incentive, Bobbing for Apples in the Big Apple is giving away an Apple TV to one lucky donor. For every dollar you part with, we enter your name into a drawing.

Click here to visit the official fundraising page.

Throughout the year, Bobbing for Apples in the Big Apple will profile and share stories about the causes we choose to support. We plan to start with Cycle for Survival, an indoor cycling event that raises money for rare cancer research at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center.

Depending on how much we’re able to raise in this initial crowd-funded start up initiative, Bobbing for Apples in the Big Apple would like to establish a scholarship in its name. That would be open to LGBT youth and allies pursuing a undergraduate or advanced professional degrees at colleges and universities.

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Penises

Thanks to Seinfeld, we’re all familiar with the unfortunate side effect a dip in the pool can have on a man’s penis. The cold water causes it shrivel up like a frightened turtle. But did you know lighting up after that sweet roll in the hay may have a similar, perhaps more permanent result? According to U.K.-based TCM Healthcare, which just released an infographic about the male appendage (arguably a homosexual’s favorite part), smoking may shrink your penis by up to one centimeter.

Apparently, the male orgasm lasts only six seconds (or thereabouts) and a teaspoon of the white stuff contains seven calories per serving. That’s good to know, particularly if dick sauce is a part of your daily diet. More on that in a later blog post, but in the meantime, check out this “personal touch” on a cocktail:

I digress.

The infographic below is loaded with more odd facts. Some of it may be hard to swallow (imagine trying to get the biggest penis down your throat), but it’s interesting nonetheless.