Male “Apple Butter” May Mend a Broken Heart

Once again, I find myself the owner of a broken heart. Suddenly Nazareth’s “Love Hurts” takes on profound meaning as I sob into a martini glass with only the olives staring back at me.

“Love is like a cloud. It holds a lot of rain.”

For the first time in my adult life, I confided (as distinguished from expressed) to someone that I have feelings for him. He’s not available for a multitude of reasons; chief among them–he’s “involved.” We’ll leave it there.


In an attempt to drink my sorrows away, I actually had a moment of clarity–a sobering thought (if you will). Love really shouldn’t hurt. It’s wasting feelings on the wrong person that cuts like a knife.

So what’s a homosexual to do? Naturally, I’ve turned to a familiar vice: sex.

If there’s any truth to the study, semen apparently helps fight depression. According to scientists at The State University of New York, “the white stuff” has “mood-alterning chemicals…that elevate mood, increase affection, induce sleep and also contain at least three anti-depressants.”

Granted, the research is based on a survey of 293 women. But that doesn’t change the fact that a top’s load could inject into his receptive partner’s mouth “thyrotropin-releasing hormone (another antidepressant), melatonin (a sleep-inducing agent), and even serotonin (perhaps the best-known antidepressant neurotransmitter).”

I’ve previously likened a hot specimen’s “gelatinous muck” to caviar and divulged to readers that I consider it a “homosexual’s delicacy.” With seven calories per serving (assuming a teaspoon), it’s certainly diet-friendly. Who knew it might offer a cure for those moments when life’s got us down?!